One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much.
At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.
"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.
"No, we don't got any duck food".
"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.
The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.
"Got any duck food?", he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed.
"No! We don't have any duck food!".
"Fine", the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks: "Got any duck food?".
By now the clerk is getting very annoyed: "No", he yells, "we don't have any duck food!
We didn't have any yesterday, don't have any today and we won't have any tomorrow!
And if you come in here again and ask if we have any duck food - I'll nail your little web feet to the floor".
All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in.
"Got any nails?", the duck asks.
"No! We don't got nails!!".
"Well then", the duck says, "got any duck food?".
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man: "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat".
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager".
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked: "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam", the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied: "The balcony".
At the zoo a woman watched the monkeys. A zoo attendant threw a box of fruit into the cage and all the monkeys scurried to get their share.
One particular monkey grabbed a banana and climbed up on a limb and carefully peeled it.
The monkey then stuck the banana up his rectum, pulled it out and ate it.
The woman who witnessed this was absolutely disgusted.
She immediately went to the zoo manager to complain about the dirty monkey.
After explaining what the monkey did, the zoo manager said: "We have a perfectly good explanation for that ma'am".
"Well, I would like to hear it then! I cannot imagine any excuse for that kind of behavior!", exclaimed the woman.
"Last week the attendant threw a box of fruit into the cage and the same monkey grabbed a peach.
The monkey ate it so fast he swallowed the pit".
"I don't understand", demanded the angry woman.
"Well, you see, the monkey had so much trouble passing the pit, now he sizes everything before he eats it".
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.
He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.
Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either".
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him", said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk".
Then the guy in the backseat said: "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car".
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said: "Are we over the border yet?".
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place".
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?".
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next".
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here".
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him".
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue".
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?".
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake".
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife: - Hey, this looks like yours! - ".
There once was a man who went on an expedition and found a beautiful vase.
It said 'Rub Me' so he did and out popped a genie.
The genie said to the man: "I will grant you one wish".
The guy said: "I thought I got 3 wishes?".
But the genie said: "No! Just one, take it or leave it...".
The guy said: "I'LL TAKE IT, I'LL TAKE IT".
So the guy thinks hard and says: "I am afraid of flying, so I want you to build me a Freeway from
my house to Hawaii".
The genie says: "Are you nuts?".
So the guy thinks hard again and says: "Ok - Ok".
He finally comes up with a wish for the genie.
The guy says: "I want to learn all about women.
How they think, how come they keep dumping me and how I can make them love me so I can keep them?".
So the genie thinks and thinks and thinks...
and finally the genie says to the man: "Did you want that freeway with 2 lanes or 4?".
A cop pulls an old lady over for going 22 miles per hour on the freeway.
The lady says to the cop: "But the speed limit said -22- ".
The cop explains to her that it's the highway number.
He then looks in the backseat to see two shaken old ladies and asks what is the matter with them?
The lady tells him they just got off highway 109.
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said: "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?".
"That doesn't prove anything", the woman countered.
"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?".