Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On bag of fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: use like regular soap.
Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down (printed on the bottom of the box).
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleeping aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Salisbury’s Peanuts: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming”.
Alan, age 10.
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it allways before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with”.
Kirsten, age 10.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then”.
Camille, age 10.
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married”.
Freddie, age 6.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people”.
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids”.
Derrick, age 8.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids”.
Lori, age 8.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date”.
Martin, age 10.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns”.
Craig, age 9.
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich”.
Pam, age 7.
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that”.
Curt, age 7.
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do”.
Howard, age 8.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them”.
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper changing”.
Kirsten, age 10.
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?".
Kelvin, age 8.
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now”.
Roberta, age 7.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck".
Ricky, age 10.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard and/or reported.
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!".
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted”.
"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines”.
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments”.
Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said:
"We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight”.
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children”.
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.Please do not leave children or spouses”.
"Last one off the plane must clean it”.
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said:
"That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!".
Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal”.
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with:
"Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal”.
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways”.
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight”.