The younger brother went first. He walked in and the priest asked him: "Where is God?" in a mild voice. The younger brother just sat there. The priest asked again: "Where's God?" The boy again just sat there. The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice: "Tell me son, WHERE IS GOD?' Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his room at home, where he hid under the bed. His older brother came in and asked what was wrong. The younger boy said: "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!" ___________________________________________________________ David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..". David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot Continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?" ___________________________________________________________ Another Old Golfer "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went". "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore", protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball", Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup", Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot". ___________________________________________________________ A salesman rings the bell at a suburban home. The door is opened by a nine year old boy puffing on a long fat cigar. Astonished, the salesman asks the young man: "Is your mother or father at home?" The young boy takes the cigar out of his mouth, flicks ashes on the carpet, and asks: "What do you think?" ___________________________________________________________ A little boy lived with his mother. His dad had left them when he was still an infant and now he was approaching his sixth birthday, never having known what it's like to have a father, to have a man around the house. Naturally, this was on his mother's mind, too. She had been without a partner for years, and was lonely, sometimes very depressed about it. At the stroke of midnight, one night, the little boy was awakened from his sleep by sounds coming from his mother's room. He got up and went down the hall, opened the door a crack and saw his mother, standing in front of the mirror, naked, her arms spread out to her sides. She was so intensely involved in what she was doing she didn't even see him. She repeated over and over into the mirror: "I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!" A little confused, but very curious, the boy went back to bed. The next night, once again, at exactly midnight, he was awakened, and padded down the hallway to find his mother, again, nude, facing the mirror: "I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!!" He's no fool. He starts to set his alarm for midnight so he won't miss anything. But this next night, when he's awakened by his alarm and sneaks down the hallway, he hears his mom and some unfamiliar male voice coming from behind her bedroom door. This had never happened before. It scared the stuffing out of him. He ran back to his room and hid under the blankets. When he awoke in the morning, and came downstairs for breakfast, he found his mother sitting at the table with a strange man. She introduced them to each other; he sat there eyeing this man, trying to figure things out. After a while, his mommy showed her new friend to the door, kissed him goodbye, and sent him on his way. This was not lost on the little boy. And that night, he set his alarm for midnight, again. When the alarm awakened him, he got up, stripped naked, and tiptoed down the hall where he positioned himself directly in front of his mother's mirror. He stretched his arms out wide, looked straight into the glass, opened his little mouth and cried out: "I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle!!". ___________________________________________________________ A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending". He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said: "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?". The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said: "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said: "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said: "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said: "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said: "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!" ___________________________________________________________ A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa". Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50". This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?". The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?". The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks: "Well, so what IS the answer?". Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.